As an African black woman in an interracial couple involving a German white man, discussing racism was inevitable. In fact, during our 3 years of dating, race was a recurring topic. And while I’m glad we didn’t wait for the Georges Floyd events in the United States to talk about it, having THE talk turned out to have been a necessity.

Dear Black interracial couples with a significant other who is white (raises hand), we DO NOT need to protect them. I promise, they will be A. OK. They need to continue to fight for us. If they get offended when you talk about racists. You have a bigger problem on your hands.

— Tika Sumpter (@iamtikasumpter) June 5, 2020

I completely adhere to that tweet. If you haven’t done it yet, I advocate for ALL couples, white or mixed raced to discuss racism. You really gotta know what kind of person you’re sharing your life with. Why not initiate a quick #AllLivesMatter vs #BlackLivesMatter debate to get a glimpse of that? Nothing is just black or white, but this should give you a head start.

For black women, the talk is particularly tough but as hard as it might get, it’s essential if you want your questions answered before considering interracial marriage. It is about ensuring that your partner is at least not racist and at best a true ally against racism. The least we can do to get clear answers and ensure that he accepts the realities of our black identity. Here’s how discussing racism with my white boyfriend went and what I learned from it.

I needed to address his silence

My boyfriend didn’t understand why I wanted to start discussing racism. He felt attacked, thinking I could believe he was racist. But that wasn’t my problem. We often agreed on what we considered to be racist, police brutality, the removal of statues of enslavers, etc. I wanted us to talk specifically about how he was going to help the Black Lives Matter movement. Because at first glance, he had done absolutely nothing about it.

Actions speak louder than words. If you support #BLM, then show it and do something about it.

Why can’t you just believe me when I say I do? I’ve shown my support every day since we’ve been together.

He was right. He never shut me down when I evoked my experience traveling while black. In fact, he acknowledged racism, agreed with my views, listened to me and initiated conversations.

It’s not that I didn’t believe him. I did. But in my mind, not actively supporting #BLM meant being against the cause. A wise person once said :

In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist, we must be anti-racist.

Angela Y. Davis

Nonetheless, I know not all white people are racists. Especially my boyfriend. So why did I feel the need for him to somewhat prove it? Because somewhere inside, I wasn’t 100% sure. And I really needed to be. Some people get to comfortably live their lives with actively anti-racist partners. Why can’t my boyfriend do that? I spent a lot of time wondering about my own behavior and approach to this after our conversation got louder and more heated.

I confused our relationship with Black Love

Here’s the thing. I’m 100% onboard with dating people of different races, whichever it is. However, sometimes I can’t help but think that things might be easier if I was with a black man. Black Love could be more comfortable than being in an interracial couple.

Why are yall in a relationship that cant even understand or comprehend your plight.

Dont talk black and sleep white. If you cared to build up and help the black community you would marry your own people and make and raise educated smart black children.

— The Woke Sports Fan 💯 (@TheMostEerned) June 5, 2020

This tweet hit me like a slap in the face. Yes, in some ways, dating the same race is more convenient. A black man would probably join me in my rage, my sadness, disappointment and fire to fight back more easily. I know some white men can provide that comfort too. I am in love with a white man who is not like that. But to say that I don’t care about the fate of my community is wrong. Talking “black” is defending myself and my people, and sleeping “white” is making myself happy. Why would I ever choose between one of those? I choose to support black people and to love. And FYI, my future baby, whichever color it is, will be smart AF and helpful to the black community. But that’s a story for another time.

While discussing racism, I realized I had set my expectations too high comparing my white boyfriend’s reaction to a hypothetical black boyfriend’s. I can’t expect my companion to truly comprehend how I feel as a black woman in this world. And you know what? I think the feeling is reciprocal. In this interracial couple, I’m lucky enough to have an ally who loves and supports me. But I asked him to act like I would expect a black boyfriend to react. It’s unrealistic because they don’t share the same experiences.

I have a talent for asking unnecessary questions. A few months ago, I asked if me being a black activist could become an issue for him. Not knowing the stakes of his answer at the time, he responded negatively. And whenever I mention black love, he gets worked up, but agrees that he can’t be or act black. And that’s ok. After all, I’m with him for who he is, not the color of his skin.

I learned to compromise (on the right things)

I started discussing racism to make sure that my other half supports #BLM. But I realized I wanted him to actively support it the way I want: by signing petitions, spreading awareness on social media and more. I called it “doing the bare minimum”. And if he didn’t do that, I would take his inactivity as a sign of indifference about the matter.

I’m not gonna share stuff on social media Jane, it does nothing. And you know I don’t ever publish anything on social media.”

Even so, my partner really is a ghost on social media. After 3 years, I know I can’t force him to post something in there, believe me, I tried. So instead of being mad at him for what he’s not doing, I chose to dig more to understand him better. I found out he is the type of person who wouldn’t do anything about a cause he cares about, because he feels like his actions would be useless and insignificant.

Yeah, that is sad. Not everybody is a passionate advocate. It was a relief as I got to get into his head. But again, I made the mistake of expecting my significant other to react like I would. I’m actually impressed by how mature I got with time. But everybody knows that relationships are built off of compromises, as long as they’re healthy and don’t tolerate racism!

Now does that mean he’ll just do nothing about #BLM? No. What I need the most from him is to support me every day against racism. And that’s quite the challenge already, because I talk about it A LOT. And about his activism, he would never initiate something on his own but I know he will join me in protests and assist me when writing on the topic, like I am doing now.

Now does that mean he’ll just do nothing about #BLM? No. What I need the most from him is to support me every day against racism. And that’s quite the challenge already, because I talk about it A LOT. And about his activism, he would never initiate something on his own but I know he will join me in protests and assist me when writing on the topic, like I am doing now. I even found out that he initiated conversations about racism with his entourage. This is him supporting the movement the way he best can: by elevating a proud black woman. That too is being anti-racist.

Discussing racism made my relationship grow

I have friends who are also in a mixed couple, who are afraid to discuss racism with their partner. Some see it as the beginning of the end and prefer to avoid the subject. Others don’t want to, for fear of being disappointed. A friend confided in me that she had a racist experience with her partner. They discussed it, and now he understands better that he has to be careful with his words. Indeed, the white partner finds himself with a responsibility that is primarily to listen, to educate himself and to deconstruct the racism that is often ingrained in him.

Talking about racism also makes it possible to clarify certain things. In my relationship, we agreed that if he witnessed racist behavior towards me in my absence, he had to inform me about it and not try to protect me from it. Letting this kind of act go on was out of the question because it forced us to confront the problem directly. I would then decide whether I would educate the racist person or make him or her bite the dust.

In fact, we will never stop discussing racism. It is an essential step and I do not regret having brought up the subject, although the conversation was tense. I would never have understood how my boyfriend fights racism if we hadn’t talked about it. And he now understands why I took his inaction as an aggression. The important thing is that we grow together as a couple, that we learn from each other, and that we continue to have these difficult discussions.

Being in an interracial relationship is intellectually and culturally rewarding. But communication and compromise are key to any strong relationship. For mixed-raced couples, being different makes misunderstandings happen quickly. We fight a lot, but we also love a lot. And the Black Lives Matter movement is one topic that can easily put us to the test. Just pray the test doesn’t turn out positive to racism!

If you haven’t had the talk with your partner yet, check out this article for advice. And if you’ve had it, let me know how it went in the comments!

The Author / L'Auteure

Jane

I’m a twenty-something french-african digital marketer passionate with travel, video games, technology. I write about my experience as a woman, as a black woman, as a woman at work, as a black woman at work, as a black woman who travels… Well, I think you get it, and I hope you can relate to my stories because I write to empower and inspire other women to share theirs.

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