Whoever said to “stick to your first impressions” is a fucking genius. It’s clear that if I had applied it, I would have been better off. The story I’m about to tell you is about my experience with toxicity in the workplace, which I endured for a year and a half. Why am I telling you about my toxic coworker now? Because no one prepared me for this being a thing in the workplace, and because after two years, I still have it a little bit stuck in my throat.

So where to start? First of all, it is very likely that my former colleagues will read this article. So greetings to them already, and to the toxic coworker that we will name N. N, if you read me, just know that what goes around comes around, you little b***. Yes, I am still slightly bitter as you can tell, even if the story is not recent. It is indirectly because of N that I was dismissed from my company and even went through a depressive phase. It’s all right, I’ve moved on since then. But it’s my duty to warn all the little sisters who are soon entering the workplace to beware of future Ns. So let’s get to the heart of the matter.

Decoding my toxic coworker

Let me give you some context. For my first permanent contract, I went into a firm where I didn’t want to go. It didn’t start off well. On the first day, I found out that I was chosen by default, because someone had withdrawn. Really? On the second day, my toxic coworker N (also new) whom I was going to share my office with, arrived. They introduced me to a presentable woman, blonde, with a strong red lipstick and who was pulling her face because, like me, she didn’t want to be there.

At first glance, I thought “I have a bad feeling about this one”. But Jenny… Jenny always gives people the benefit of the doubt, especially those whom she doesn’t trust. So I tend to look on the positive side of things and naively think we’ll get along, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t. At that moment N talks to me. And I know now, with hindsight, that her manipulation had started from the very first words we exchanged. Yikes.

For almost 6 months I shared my office with N, and it seemed endless. But that’s what allows me to paint a portrait realistic enough to tell you what kind of person she is. Strangely enough, she happens to fit a lot of the toxic behaviors described in an article by Forbes.

Constant venting and excessive moping – that was her key characteristic and that’s how she got me. Whether it was about her job status, her tasks, her marital life, she came to me almost every single day to vent and share her frustration, along with what I assimilated to being her sadness.

Unhealthy gossiping – my toxic coworker spent more time spreading rumors and talking shit about people than she did working. Whenever something happened at the office, she was always one step ahead and knew things before everybody else. Her goal ? Transforming the information to fit her own interests.

Master in Manipulation – She pretended to be friendly when in fact she was spreading rumors and talking shit about me. She went behind my back many times to my manager whom she befriended for the sake of her status when she was in fact talking shit about her as well. She manipulated other coworkers who in the end isolated me. And as if that wasn’t sad enough, she was incompetent at her own job, so she manipulated good people into doing her work. That includes me, because, you know, I had to help that poor woman.

Unhealthy competitiveness – As if gossiping wasn’t just evil enough, she had to put down other colleagues whom she felt threatened by. Around them, she was the biggest hypocrite the world has ever seen and behind them, a venomous snake. When I got a promotion, she tried getting a job in my team, and even had my manager ask me about her. Even then, I played fair and recommended her. What an idiot !

Narcissism – She had to be the prettiest, always comparing people’s physical appearances. She was an attractive woman who felt superior to others and only had in mind being better, not at her job, but through her social status. It’s a shame because she never had the skills to reach that status.

Bullying – I couldn’t believe I was being bullied at work. One time, she yelled at me from her office because I did not answer her phone call and called me “impolite”. It became her excuse to start ignoring me on the very next day and even offer sweets to literally everyone at the office, but me, and in front of the entire office. She also set her sights on the trainee who was working with me at one point, and again I was too weak-minded, always making excuses for her because she was “overworked”. It might seem like just a detail, but she’s the type of person who will always let you open the door and get in before you do, without considering you.

That’s the kind of person I dealt with. But the consequences she had on my mental health are not negligible.

The unexpected consequences of dealing with my toxic coworker

A suffocating work environment – For 6 months I sat in a closed office with a toxic colleague who was just blowing off steam. If I wanted to do my job and make my workday productive, I had to put on my headphones. But she would still talk and interrupt me anyway. Clearly, her time was far more valuable than mine.

Constant Anxiety – My daily routine at work followed me home. I couldn’t get N out of my mind. I mentioned her to my family and friends, complained about my whining colleague, without realizing how it was affecting me and my working environment.

A sense of betrayal – Because she was always taking it out on me and sharing her deepest and most personal feelings, I felt I was valuable to her. I thought I was her trusted confidant, better, I thought I was her friend. When in reality she was only using me to vent her problems. This became apparent when she was able to leave our office to join the sales team (clearly the most valued in the company), she became a stranger. And only then I realized what was going on.

Realizing (too late) what was really happening

Because she was always with me, I couldn’t see further than the tip of my nose. When she went on holiday, I integrated better with my colleagues who no longer isolated me. It was because of my discomfort and thanks to other colleagues who couldn’t stand her that I realized what was going on. Once, after having organized and managed an important company event, I let loose at the end of the evening and drank, to the point of telling everything to my superior who was also the boss of N. This was not intentional. I called him the next day to apologize, and he told me that he was going to take immediate action against this “mature woman who was bullying a young girl just out of school”.

Needless to say that nothing happened. My boss didn’t shit. He probably gave N a few admonitions as she approached me the next day, asking if I had spoken to him. I denied it. Obviously. It was time for her to be confused. That same day I gathered my courage like an adult and asked her why she was behaving so negatively towards me. I wanted to understand what I had done to her. But when she started stuttering and stammering out phoney excuses like “I didn’t appreciate you not answering the phone”, I realized that she didn’t know why either. In her head she must have been thinking “because you piss me off, that’s why.”

Jealousy. This is a recurring theme at work. It never appears explicitly. It cannot always be explained. Jealousy is felt through actions. Selfishness and hypocrisy are also common in the workplace. I knew that N was dissatisfied with her salary, which was barely higher than mine, even though she had more experience. That she was frustrated with her level of English which prevented her from being promoted to international positions like me. That she was disgusted that she couldn’t go to the United States like I did. That she wanted to be the first to tell me that I was getting laid off when I obviously knew it before first. She even wanted to push me into going back to my old job (where I was miserable) so that I would regress to the same level as her. She didn’t wish me any good. She was just jealous.

I understood that much too late because I was naive and nice. Since when is naivety such an ugly flaw? My first time working on a permanent contract was a real learning experience, and I’m telling you about it so that you can stay on your guard. In my next experience, I became paranoid for several months before realizing that not everybody is like N. Yes, it was slightly traumatic. So don’t be like me. Watch out for friendships at work.

Well I’m probably exaggerating a bit. But I no longer take these subjects lightly. The bright side of this, is I recently started working as a freelancer, and it gives me all the comfort and freedom I need. This would probably not have happened without N being a bitch.

Working with a toxic coworker is hard, and no one is prepared to that. In the end, I think everybody goes through it. But friendships in the workplace are a terrible idea if you ask me. Thanks to N, I’ll never be the same.

Have you ever worked with toxic coworker? How did you approach it ?

The Author / L'Auteure

Jane

I’m a twenty-something french-african digital marketer passionate with travel, video games, technology. I write about my experience as a woman, as a black woman, as a woman at work, as a black woman at work, as a black woman who travels… Well, I think you get it, and I hope you can relate to my stories because I write to empower and inspire other women to share theirs.

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